And Then There Were Three

At 11:48am on May 25, 2012 our lives changed forever.   8 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days since applying to adopt.

After we waited with bated breath for the bank to open, got some documents notarized, emailed them to the agency's director, and did some last-minute shopping, we got the phone call from the social worker that she would be arriving in 45 minutes.

Our hearts stopped.  Could this really be happening?  Like seriously?

When the social worker showed up, I frantically tried to put the battery back in the camera, so we could get some shots, and Ted was outside cleaning off the porch yelling, "They're here!  Maria, they're here!!!"

My neighbor happened to be outside when they drove up, saw him, and started crying.  We've been waiting so long for this (She went through infertility as well and had twins via IVF), and she knows all about our story.

Then Ted and I saw him.

An absolute angel.

And we knew he was ours.

The social worker carried him in the house while her friend snapped like a billion photos.  She sat on the couch and chatted with us on either side to help him get acclimated.  Naturally, we wanted to hold him, and kiss him, and squeeze those ridiculously cute cheeks immediately!  But, of course, for his sweet sake, we held back.  Eventually, we made our way to the floor where he couldn't resist the Mega Bloks we had gotten him.  The social worker sneaked out from behind him, and voila!  Family of three; playing on the living room floor.  As if that's how it always was.

He didn't cry once.  It was more like he was curious and, of course, confused.  But, he had no trouble checking things out.

After two hours of hanging with us, he was laughing up a storm, showing us his ridiculously adorable smile, complete with gigantic dimple.  The social worker called, our adoption social worker called, and the director called just to check in with us.  He was babbling in the background and totally making us laugh with his antics.

He belongs with us.  There's no doubt in our minds.  Yesterday he started calling Ted "Oppa," which is Daddy in Korean.  Today, it was clear he's calling me "Umma."  He's seemingly very attached to us already, loves holding our hands, and loves gazing into our eyes.  He's a love muffin.

There are some things we have to work through....like he does NOT like naps.  At all.  He doesn't like bathtime.  At all.  And he doesn't like the stroller.  At all.  Well..the big stroller.  He was fine in the umbrella stroller where he fell asleep on a walk today.  From what I read, sponge baths are normal in Korea, so he's probably not used to a bathtub.  We'll just continue to do whatever he's used to for a while and sllllooowwlllly get him into doing new things.

It's sometimes difficult to understand what our little Bub has been through.  We have to be gentle and follow his lead.  We want to show him off to the world.  We've wanted this for SO. LONG. and holding back on throwing a Welcome Home party is difficult.  But, it's no sacrifice when we think of his well-being.  Anything he wants at this point.

Except my iPhone, which he keeps wanting to play with.  I'm pretty sure he didn't get to play with an iPhone in Korea either.  lol.

Sadly, I won't be posting pictures here in this public forum, but I'm happy to email a photo of our little guy, if you send an email (and you're a family member, friend, or follower of this blog).  Eventually, this blog will be private, and I'll be posting pictures.  Lots of pictures!  But, for now....it'll have to wait.

To that end, I'm so grateful.  So, so grateful to Bub's birthparents, foster parents, and even the family here in the U.S. who decided not to keep him.  No judgment.  Just immense gratitude for all of them for bringing our little man to us.

THIS is what we've been waiting for.  This is our "When."

We Interrupt This Zen Moment...

...to bring you earth-shattering, life-altering news.

In a good way.

That's basically what I heard yesterday after having received a phone call from our agency's director during my hike with the dogs.  I usually take them hiking once a week to let them run free and to commune with nature.  It's totally zen, and I love it.

So, I'm walking along listening to birds chirp and watching the dogs be in the moment when the ring of my phone marred those lovely sounds of nature.  I bring my phone with me as a just-in-case kinda thing, because I got lost hiking once (thankfully, my dog got me outta there...animals are awesome).

I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it, and was actually surprised to hear the familiar ping letting me know there was a voicemail.  I picked it up.

And that's when my zen was entirely disrupted.

The director said something to the effect of, "We have an urgent situation, and I need you to call me as soon as possible."

"Sh*t," is what I thought.  "What else?  Now we're not eligible for China either???"

Obviously I called back immediately.  She asked if I was sitting.  I told her I was hiking, but I'd find a rock.  And I did.  She then proceeded to tell me the craziest thing ever:  A family just had their adopted son escorted from Korea last Friday, and they aren't doing well.  For privacy reasons, I won't go into detail, but basically, they don't want to finalize the adoption.

And our agency is asking us to adopt him!!!!!!

Whaaaa??? (courtesy Google images)

We have to decide by today, and he would need to be placed with us by Friday.

Yeah.  Thank God I was sitting. 

We're scared sh*tless, and nervous, and feeling crazy, and overwhelmed.  We have nothing.  No carseat, no toddler food, no toys, no bath stuff, no nursey set-up, no outlet covers.  Nothing.  Zip. Zilch. Nada. 

But we have love.  We have a LOT of love.

Come to think of it, the whole scared-nervous-crazy-overwhelmed thing?  Um, that sounds a lot like we're preparing for another IVF.  We know how to do that!  

Are you up for a wild ride?  I think we are.

Stay tuned...

Calling Chinese Adoptees

Education is seriously important to me; I absolutely love learning and, if I didn't have to actually make money, I'd just be a student for life.  Even as I'm in the process of completing my dissertation and (finally) get my dang doctorate already, I'm already thinking about my next educational endeavor.   Apparently I'll be working just to pay off the student loans.  *sigh*  lol

Anyway, when I came across this post in an adoption forum regarding someone needing help with a thesis, I had to click on it.  Further, it's a study about Chinese adoptees, which of course I'm totally interested in now. 

So, if you have or know anybody who has adopted Chinese children who are now between 12 and 15 years old, would you ask them to take 10 minutes of their time (and 15 minutes of the parents') for this survey? 

Here's the link:  Liu: Psychology Study Interest Form

________________________________________

Nothing much else to report.  We are knee-deep in paperwork for the dossier, updating passports, getting new reference letters, seeing the doc again.  The one thing I can report is that Ted made Mother's Day super special.  I woke up to THREE cards; one from the dogs, one from the cats (telling me how I could have this one day to be the most important being in the house and the rest was theirs), and one from Ted (who melted my heart talking about our baby whom we've yet to meet).

We took the dogs down to the river walk where there is a spectacular view of NYC.  It was a gorgeous sunny day and we walked forever.  Actually, we walked so far, we wondered why the heck we did that on our way back to the car.  Ha!  The dogs were in heaven, though.

Then we came home and spent a lovely evening at home just chatting it up and being with one another.  At one point, Ted turned to me and said, "You know.  We have a good life.  This is a really good life."

I couldn't agree more.

A Mother's Day Love Letter

I was chatting with some fellow IFers today (infertility friends) about the holiday that's around the corner and has been a thorn in my side for far too many years:  Mother's Day.

I can hardly say it without getting a little lump in my throat. 

They are both currently pregnant and due very soon, and I am, of course, super happy for them (and seriously don't envy the pregnancy thing.  I know that's still weird for people to hear...sorry..lol).  I'm so happy that these two women are my friends, because I can be absolutely honest with them.  When their babies are in their arms, I'm going to have a difficult time still being on the wait strip.  And I can tell them that without fear of being disregarded or disowned or defriended (like I've been in the past in a similar situation).  Not Facebook defriended.  In-real-life defriended.  It sucked.  And I'm so happy I don't have to deal with that with these ladies.  So, thanks, you guys. xo

So anyway....I was in my pensive mood and checked our adoption email.  The most recent email was from an adoption board simply stated: Please share this with women still waiting to adopt.

I was intrigued.  So I clicked on it.

It was about Mother's Day.  And it was a love letter to women without children who are still waiting to adopt.

I immediately teared up.  It's exactly what I needed.  Thank you, Universe!

Please...pass it on, if you know anybody who needs it as much as I did/do:  A Mother's Day Love Letter for Women Waiting to Adopt.

All In!

We're full steam ahead for China!  The social worker comes tonight to ask the Hague questions that will update our home study.  We're looking at the ginormous list of items we need to begin the dossier (something we didn't need for Korea).  It's quite overwhelming, but we're ready and willing.

Some of these items we've already done, but Hague requires notaries and other various certifications that we'll have to get.  It's all do-able.

In the meantime, I'm looking at some children's books that I'd like to get for our new little one.  I picked this one up from the library, and I'm absolutely planning on buying it:

The story is actually a poem written by an anonymous author; It's a letter of sorts to an adopted child about their two mothers, and it brought tears to both of our eyes.  The illustrations are so playful and adorable!  Our favorite?  A lot of the pages include a little Dachshund; just like our Dexter!

Dexter (and Jake)

Motherbridge of Love

Once there were two women

who never knew each other.

One you do not know.

The other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped

 to make you one.

One became your guiding star;

the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life;

the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love;

the second was there to give it.

One gave you a body,

the other taught you games.

One gave you a talent.

the other taught you aims.

One gave you emotions;

the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile;

the other dried your tears.

One found a home for you

that she could not provide.

the other prayed for a child;

her hope was not denied.

And now you ask, of course you do,

The question others ask me too:

This place or your birth place --

which are you a daughter of?

Both of them, my darling --

and two different kinds of love.

Quick Update

Just a quick update:  We're breathing and learning new things about a possible switch to the China program.  I've talked with a wonderful fellow adopter who recently switched from Korea to China, and she was so comforting in her thoughts and insight. 

I've also been reading up on the China program via various forums and blogs.  If there's one thing I've discovered on these forums it's that there is a vast array of opinion on what is considered a "special need" and what is not.  This actually makes quite a bit of sense.  Someone who feels they have the capacity to parent a child with certain health issues may feel as though there is no issue.  Another parent may not feel the same about that particular health issue. 

And neither person is "wrong." 

After speaking with several people and reading others' input, I think it's safe to say that Ted and I will be moving forward with the China program.  We are grieving the loss of the Korea program (I still feel pretty attached to it), but I am confident we will feel just as attached to China in our near future. 

Another thing I've learned:  We have a TON of friends and family who are here for us.  We even have strangers here for us, because there are plenty of adoptive families out there who are huge advocates for this process.  So thanks to all of you for your love, thoughts, and positive energy. 

Hey! That's MY Rug!

You know how you're plugging along, smiling, enjoying life, on a great path toward more happiness, then someone sneaks up behind you and rips the rug right out from under your feet?

You're now sprawled out on the floor, your body trembling, your mind confused, and tears streaming down your face. 

This was me the other day.

It all started with a phone call from M at our agency.  "Hi Maria," she said.  I could tell after she cleared her throat about 5 times that something wasn't right. 

She then said, "This isn't going to be an easy conversation, so take a deep breath, and I'll get started." 

Naturally, I held my breath.

I sat listening for about 20 minutes.  Her words were kind of floating around me, and I thought I understood them, but then felt as if I was in some kind of dream world.  Could this really be happening?  No way, man.  We've finally escaped the grips of infertility!  We're on this very solid path to adoption, and we couldn't be happier!  What is she talking about???

You all know that things with the Korean program have been winding down, making the process slower and slower.  We were prepared to deal with that. 

Recently, we received what we thought was good news: In August, the finalization of adoptions will take place in Korea at court while parents are still there with their babies.  It used to be that parents had to come back to the U.S., and the baby wasn't officially theirs until the process finished up here in the U.S. (some families are still on that track).  The premise of this new policy is that it gives Korea more control over who adopts their babies.  Fair enough.

A couple of days ago, our agency found out another caveat in the process, which I'm unable to share publicly, per the agency.  It basically means that Ted and I have to put our adoption process on hold for about a year (maybe less).  At that time, we can either move forward or we'll have to switch programs.  We won't know.  Here we thought we were on a clear track to bring home our baby (finally!) by this time or maybe a little later next year; then this.

Buh bye rug. 




We were given the option of switching programs now.  We can go with China's Child of Promise program, which is actually a little scary for us.  We have to be open to more possible health issues with the baby, and that makes us uncomfortable.  Further, China doesn't have an excellent foster care system like Korea does, and I worry about attachment issues. 

The positives of China: 1) It's about $5,000 less expensive (since we're not paying into a foster care system), 2) We can have a baby by February or March 2013, and 3) I can't think of anything more at this point.  I'm still too attached to Korea.

I'm also afraid to get too attached to China.  What if someone takes my rug again? 

This whole process is also triggering a lot of infertility emotions.  This is exactly what it's like, albeit in shorter segments:  Hope, loss, hope, loss, hope, loss.....the cycle doesn't end. 

Right now, Ted and I are in discussion mode.  I've got a call into an International Adoption Center at a pediatrician's office to get more education on some of these health issues.  We're hoping that will make us feel better about switching. 

I despise this unsettled feeling. 

Will be keeping you posted, of course.